tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert Me-TV November 2, 2015 10:35pm-11:34pm CST
stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you my people! thank you, my friends. thank you my tv family! welcome to the late show. please, thanks so much. folks, thank you for being here, welcome to the late show. i'm stephen colbert. and i'm feeling good. i'm feeling alive! i feel good. i feel alive and refreshed. today. because yesterday was fall-back day. you know, when daylight savings time ends. byes way, i hope everybody took full advantage of daylight savings time this summer and got your crops in or-- (laughter) i assume that's what it's for. i'm not sure why they do it.
i'm going to say stephen hawking, once again yesterday gave us another hour to sleep on sunday. (applause) that is just-- oh, oh, i am not sure, i'm not sure where they get that hour to give to us on sundays. maybe they take it, you know, they take it from us in the spring. you know, they take it out of our clocks and they store it in like a temperature-controlled vault, one hour like inside mount rushmore. next to the titanium ingot that represents exactly how long a toot see roll can be? all the most important measures are in there. and then in the fall i assume they take it out of the vault and insert it back into the clock hole. point is, i feel great. because that, yesterday,-- i can say that, right? because that hour is the most free hour of the entire year. because you don't plan for it.
you don't plan for it. right >> jon: you don't plan for that thing. >> stephen: did you set your clock? what do you do, you wake up and looked at your clock swrz i looked at my clock. the clock was wrong. so then i was like-- >> stephen: that's right, the clock is not wrong, you're wrong jrs yeah, i was looking >> stephen: you wake up at 9:00. you realize it's only 8:00. and then you go back to bed until noon >> jon: yeah, yeah, yeah >> stephen: right? >> jon: you be in that thing, you lay down. i ain't got to go to work today >> stephen: you get up at noon by which time the sun is going down. it's going to get dark pretty early from here until spring. a lot of people get seasonal effective disorder called "sad," have you ever heard about this? they get sad in the wintertime. so they get those lights you can stare at that are supposed to make you happy. i don't have one of those. have i a more holistic approach.
it's the light inside the refrigerator. all winter long. whooo! (applause) with that, very important also, pants, okay. get you through the whole winter. then the pants that i have worked my way up to by spring make a lovely tent for summer. we've got a great show for you tonight. i will be talking to actress allison janney. (applause) allison janney, what was that? allison janney's here. is that the song? we were working on a song for rehearsal. that's as far as we got. allison janney's here. she's starring in the television shows "mom" and "masters of
i will ask him what it was like when bubba gump shrimp was bubba gump pimp. and-- then another great come ed yen is here, margaret cho. (applause) do you know margaret? margaret is currently in the middle of a world tour. i don't envy here, antarctica is a tough room. oh-- oh, y'all hear that, that caught me by surprise but i know what that is, that is jon batiste and stay human, keeping it human. say hi, everybody. (applause) they're about to kick things off. but before they do, one more thing. professional musicians are teaming up with animal scientists to develop music for cats.
>> stephen: hey, thanks, everybody. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> jon: there you go, there! >> stephen: thank you very much. thanks, everybody. well, listen, i don't blame you for being eck sieltsed. i'm excited too. we have a big show for you tonight. there is just so much happening in the world to talk about. but before we do, i need to get something off my chest. and it's not hair because i had all that taken off. i'm like an eel from the neck down. (laughter) they had to greas me up and slide me into these new seuts. they're a little tight. but here's the thing. i have have been doing these shows for eight weeks, have i been giving it my all t say labor of love but i do it for you. but i have just learned something that makes me wonder
if you are listening. because a few weeks ago i gave a very clear warning about what would happen now that mcdonald's long. >> i just found out something that has rocked me to my core because today for the first time, mcdonald's began serving breakfast all day long. (applause) and the only reason i ever got up before 10:30 was to make it deadline. but now with an egg mcmuffin chaos. tear up your history books and live in a cave. nothing means anything any more >> stephen: will you notice, and many you of laughed when i said that, ha ha. some people out there said i overreacted about all-day breakfast. i even got a lot of letters, a lot of dirty, greas-stained letters. i even got a few greas-stained e-mails. i'm not sure how did you that. well, looky here what i just found. >> all-day breakfast at mcdonald's appears to be doing more harm than good. >> one group that is not loving
the workers within the breakfast menu has caused confusion in their kitchens and caused orders to be filled slower and angering customers who don't want to wait. >> some franchises the new menu is creating chaos in the kitchen. >> chaos in the kitchen. >> chaos in the kitchen. >> stephen: chaos in the kitchen. what did i say! (laughter) look, look, it gives me no pleasure to say i was right. but i will say this. bah bah dah bah dah, i told you so! i can't be doing this show every
cassandra whose prove easies no one will heed, jeremiah did not shout his warnings into an empty altoid can and then hurl it off a vy a duct, okay. i don't know where nur dog comes from, it is not like i haven't proven myself. have i been doing the show for two months and have i been right about every single breakfast-related issue i weighed in. need i remind you, it is the most important meal of the day. because it's not just this mcdonald's debacle. there was a story about eliminating bacon from our federal pri sons. and what did i say. >> i understand that prison is punishment but life without possibility of pork is cruel and unusual. >> well, thank god someone in the government was listening because according to "the washington post," quote, after a week of controversy, the government did an about-face and put pork back on the prison bill of fare. (applause) you see what we can accomplish when we work together?
by you doing whatever i say. it's called a partnership. the point is, because of your cavalier attitude about when eggs should be mcmufed, if i can say that on cbs, mcdonald's has descended into a chaotic abyss from which it may never emerge. obviously i will still go to mcdon dofnlt i love everything on the menu. but will you do me this much, will you do this for me, please. next time i weigh in on some important issue, pan cakes versus waffles, how much chocolate can be in a muffin before it's legally a cupcake-- (laughter) >> please just have the humility to listen and we won't have to have this little talk again. because if we're going to vay healthy relationship, i need to know you are hearing me, okay. not just hearing me, but hearing me. all right, this is good. i feel better. by the way, canteloupe say dumpster fruit, no letters. stick around.
colbert sponsored by: (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i like that. i like that. that is like-- i like that little movement. that is like jazz tai7chi >> jon: that's right >> stephen: welcome back. these days there are a lot of people out there talking about the use of excess you have force by police. and without courting any controversy, i want to say the police have a very hard job putting their lives on the line. and the vast majority are good people. on the other hand, black people aren't imagining this stuff. so both sides have good points. and as a host of a late night show it's my responsibility to take a side. so let me just take a moment here-- to say that i agree with how you feel. (laughter) you know who you are. i feel strongly about that. and those people on the other
side, wrong. but the point is, what do you do to reduce the possibility of abuse while still maintaining public order? i'm happy to say that some police have begun finding positive ways to deescalate tensions in their communities. like one cop in washington d.c. who after responding to a reported street fight, tried to dispercent the remaining crowd of teens. when one of the teens marched up and started to nai nai at the officer-- nae nae, the officer didn't bust a perp, she busted a move. (cheers and applause) >> that's right. that's right. a police officer and ended a tense situation with a dance off. no one was arrested. but somebody did get served.
this is a great example for all law enforcement. before resorting to violence, first just try to twerk things out. although, this is true, i was surprised to learn the song watch me whip nae nae was playing on the girm's iphone. i mean when a dancing cop comes to pie apartment, they always bring their own boombox. dancing-- thank you for your service. now folks, dancing is great but not every cop on the beat can move to the beat. so in an effort to use less force one california police department has come up with a brand new centuries old law enforcement tool. >> the anderson police department is swinging in nunchucks as their latest defense tool. kick. >> the sergeant casey day says it is a ways for officers to restrain a suspect using less force. >> we can use them for joint
pain compliance, that type of thing >> stephen: yes, nunchucks, a crime-fighting tool already proven effective by our nation's ninja turtles. (laughter) as one anderson police officer dem straight nunchucks can be used to restrain the subject by wrist, by elbow, or even by ankle. yes, by ankle, which is great in case they have to arist mrs. robinson. (laughter) now-- robinson, ms. robinson. now batons have been used to beat suspects for many years. and nunchucks are really just two batons connected by a little string. so the only new thing here really is the string. so if they want to reduce the chance of police brutality, maybe just give the cops the
string. tie their thumbs together. now already the police have used the nunchucks to target one minority, unarmed female reporters. but the anderson california police department insists there won't be any abuse because any officer who wants to use them must pass a 16 hour training program. wow. 16 hours. to put that in perspective, a california massage therapist has to take 500 hours of training. and 516 hours if you want to massage somebody with nunchucks. here is my real concern. obviously giving all police nunchucks at a weekend seminar, great idea. but there is a small possibility that the police abuse might end up being against themselves. because even with proper training, things can get out of
(applause) >> you kind of kant be sad listening to that kind of music. you can't be unhappy >> stephen: you can't thasm is for my seasonal effective disorder. you don't need it. it is lovely to see you. of course i loved you on west wing, i love you on "mom." >> thank you. >> last year you won an emmy for masters of sex. >> i did. >> and the nice thing about allison janney, when i see allison janney i think oh, there's allison jainy, i see you on tv. , oh she seems like plawsably a person i might hang out with. do people walk up to you all the time and think that they know you. because you don't play a forbidding character. >> no, and a lot of people i find know me but they don't know how they know me. so they g you know, i was at a strawntd. and the restaurant will go you eat here a lot, right? you eat here-- or you know, but mostly people are so lovely, they are so grateful for mom, some people in recovery are
grateful that we are doing a show about people in recovery and putting it on broadcast television for masters of sex. people are like wow, she is still doing those sex scenes, you know, asking me those questions >> stephen: how does it-- allison, how does it feel to do those sex scenes? because i'm learning a lot. >> i am learning a lot. >> is it hard? >> it's very-- it's not very comfortable. it's not an easy thing to do, no, no, no, no. i did a-- but i dot got to do a three-way. i have never had a three-way and i got to do that >> s sphen: congratulations. not everyone did. >> i just mean a three-way conversation >> stephen: obviously. one thing about "mom" is that it deals with subject matter you wouldn't normally associate with a sitcom. >> no, no >> stephen: these are people who have serious addiction problems and are in recovery right now. >> yeah >> stephen: that is not your average for camera sitcom. >> it's not.
me to the show, doing a show about people in recovery, i thought it was important. and then when i had my first scene in a recovery room, i treated it with such imimportant-- import, and chuck came up and said allison, people in recovery, they have fun. they talk about their stories as badges of honor. and they joke about them. and there is a t of laughter in recovery. and that is what sort of freed up me in my performance. >> stephen: there is a lot of laughter in your performance because you get to say some terrible things. >> yeah. really >> stephen: isn't that fun to get away with saying terrible things. >> it's fantastic. i get to be the most inappropriate person with no boundaries and just, just so bad. and it's so fun >> stephen: we actually have a clip here from the show. >> you do? okay >> stephen: i believe i'm sitting this up correctly. correct me if need be, you, your mother who abandoned you has come back into your life and
wants to shall. >> the brilliant ellen brystein >> stephen: amazing women. >> we are getting such great guest stars >> stephen: and your character is hesitant to meet with her until you find out that she is dying. >> yeah, i find out she's dying, yeah >> stephen: this is the scene where you come to meet your mother who you done know what she looks like. >> no >> stephen: okay. jim. >> i'm very prowfd you. >> thanks, if i were dying, i know you would want to see me. >> wouldn't miss it for the world. >> hello, christie. >> hi. >> well, well, well. finally decided to crawl out from under your rock, huh? >> mom, mom, mom. >> no, you brought me here. i'm doing this. >> you are a real piece of work, wanting my fore giveness. >> mom. >> i don't know what you are dying of, but i hope it's slow and painful.
>> you have a superday. >> stephen: you don't get to do that every day, you don't get to do that in every show. >> no, no, brilliant-- >> stephen: now you are superfunny in this. but you are a serious dramatic actress. you started the neighborhood play house. >> stephen: i understand you've got some little exercise, engage in. >> i do. that stemmed from the playhouse, from actually-- we used to take nurse ree rhymes and we would have to perform them as monologues as dramatic monologues. >> stephen: like jack be nimmable. >> yeah, like ba ba black sheep, you have any wool, i think i did that like i was a drug dealer, you know. you have any wool, yes, yes, sir, three bags full, whatever. you try to do it-- >> stephen: one of the things that excited me was that you liked taking terrible lyrics from 1970s pop songs. >> oh, yes >> stephen: and so i've got a song here that i would like you and i, if possible, to act at each other. >> bring it on >> stephen: dramically.
>> i love it >> stephen: this is-- (applause) >> stephen: these are the lyrics to the song hot blooded by foreigner. okay? >> can i use a pen >> stephen: sure, sure, there you go. >> thank you. now we're going-- those are my, okay, i see it. who is going to say action >> stephen: i'll say action. my show. all right. and again, the scene from hot blooded by foreigner. action. >> well, i'm hot blooded. check it and see. i got a fever of 103. come on, baby, you do more than dance. i'm hot blooded.
i'm hot blooded. (applause) >> stephen: you don't ever read my mind to know what have i in mind. honey, you ought to know. now you you move so fine. let me lay it on the line. i want to know what you are doing after the show. >> will well, it's up to you. we can make a secret rendezvous >> stephen: just me and you. >> i'll shoi loving like you never knew. >> that is why i'm hot blooded. (applause) >> if it feels all right, maybe you can stay all night. shall i leave you my key?
>> stephen: but you've got to give me a sign. come on. come on, girl. some kind of sign. just tell me, are you hot mamma? you sure look that way to me. >> are you old enough? (laughter) will you be ready when i call your bluff? is my timing right? >> stephen: yeah, yeah, i'm hot blooded. check it and see. i, i feel the fever burning, feel, feel the fever, burning inside of me. >> come on baby, do you do more than dance? i'm hot blooded. i'm hot blooded, i'm hot! >> stephen: scene! (cheers and applause)
girls and train wreck. please welcome the soft spoken mild mannered colin quinn. (applause) >> i love it >> stephen: i like that entrance. that was no-nonsense, just let's get to the desk. >> when you were a kid watching tv, some day i want to be the guy that sits down at the desk. i didn't say it would be the highlight of your life, just for me a big deal >> stephen: you're off broadway with a new show called colin quinn. >> the new york story >> stephen: the new york story. (applause) why no color? why no color. >> why no color? cuz it's kieng of like ooh, dangerous, aes doing blook and white. i don't know it i don't like all these editorials decisions >> stephen: you don't make them.
>> no, i just let it happen >> stephen: what is the kol inquinn new york story. >> it is kind of a history of new york starting from the napa indian tribe >> r 1 ose 0 : real history. >> yeah >> r 1 ose 0 : were you a his-- >> stephen: were you a history kid in school. >> i dab eled in t you know. i was-- i was one of those kids that, you know, the teachers go, your son has a lot of potential. so i took that to mean why should i study, i'm already intelligent. they have already given me my reward, so why should i bother, go take care of the kids that need a little help, you know >> stephen: so has new york changed much. >> it changed the other day. yeah, new york has changed >> stephen: but wait, i heard about this. >> i smashed up my wrist >> stephen: were you on the. >> very embarrassing that nobody tweeted. you know you are not that big if you are lying on the ground in a puddle for two minutes cursing and screaming, and nobody even bothers to like take an instagram.
what go you do to get a little-- >> stephen: that's new york. >> that's new york. i will tell you a funny story t is true. that is new york. my aunt lost a leg many years ago, she fell-- >> stephen: funny so far. (laughter) >> >> stephen: yeah, uh-huh. >> she fell and the cops go look, bell's drag new front of the store, in brooklyn, we'll drag new front of the store so you can sue >> stephen: oh, the cops from going to help her. >> yeah. like you were from brooklyn. >> in the '50s that is how it was >> stephen: that is when cops were cop. >> cop was help you sue the city. now everybody's against the city a's budget. but here is what boars me. i hurt my ribs, but nobody cares because as long as are you-- first of all, women stopped to help me because i was lying on the ground literally gassing for air >> stephen: so really women were helping you. >> men were you can whatting by because if a guy sees blood they all stop because they want to see blood. there was no blood,
>> stephen: it was an internal injury. >> exactly. women are internal, men are from venus, whatever st. and-- >> stephen: i read that one. i read that one. are you from park slope. >> yes, i am, >> stephen: and your dad i assume ran an ar tis nal urban apiary. >> yeah-- >> stephen: and a miden shop or something like that. >> yeah. it was different-- in those days park slope was different from the rest of the-- from the new park. back then we had a little street cred. people don't understand you say park slopes, people in other parts of brooklyn are like that is not brooklyn. we get no credibility. but now you go on the el train, at 2:00 mt morning, it looks like a ski lift. >> stephen: you actually miss the grittier new york as people call it because let me show you photos. this is what time square looked like. this is the victory theater. >> yes >> stephen: look at that.
best porn in town. >> yeah >> stephen: very proud, very proud. >> i recognize that, actually. because-- >> stephen: that is a shot of what time square used to look like that is the sandwich shops. the cops had to protect the sandwiches. >> it was unbelievable >> stephen: do you miss this? >> i don't miss-- like you said, i miss the personality but i don't miss the pimps lined up like city bikes outside of port authority back then. >> stephen: please, be considerate, return your pimp at your destination when you get there, please, please. >> there was probably a porno theater back then for what we know. >> i think that was the ed sullivan show and this was kate and ally for awhile. >> but in between there is a gap between ed sullivan and kate and alley. >> it sawl pimp. >> probably all porno. i wouldn't be surprised. >> we got to have this place
st. >> welcome back, everybody, my neksz guest is an emmy and grammee nominated acker and come ed yen, her new special is called psycho. >> my korean name is moran. that is my name. and my korean name is the name of kim jong ill's production company. so that's how asian that is. i have a friend who is even more asian. her name is gggha. oh my god, that's pretty. that's really-- wow. how do you spell that? that was like a k or a c-- it's just like a sound. >> stephen: please welcome
(applause) >> stephen: thanks for being here, lovely to see you. >> thank you, so lovely >> stephen: as i said before you are a comedian acker but a musesician-- musician, which i did not know. >> yes >> stephen: and an awe thomple you critique red carpet fashion, sold out carn eggee hall, honored by glad, the national organization of women, the lamda legal defins fund and on a world tour titled there is no i in team but there is a cho in psycho. >> thank you >> stephen: that is a long title here. >> is that true, there is a cho in psycho, are you a little psycho. >> i'm a little psycho. i'm trying to change the world and using comedy to do so. >> stephen: that's pretty ambitious. >> but just to add peace to the conversation. like we have a dog rescue for each show, so i have the audience completely silent so the dog's ears aren't hurt and i do a parade so ug das are my opening act which is a really-- >> stephen: you have like
rescue dogs. >> i have rescue dogs. >> and people can bring them home. >> no, they can't. this he can apply to a do. you don't want some drunk person say i will take that one, you know >> stephen: he looks delicious. >> no, we have like a home vits. we have different dog rescues in each-- i mean-- >> stephen: do you that all over the world. >> i want to try to do it all over the world. i realized that my ambition was to save dogs because i saved a dog's life recently. i was at a friend's house and their dog went running out into four lanes of busy traffic. and so i was like chasing after it i was like stop! and all the cars stopped. and i grabbed the dog. and i realized it must have looked weird, this korean lady running across four lanes of dog. they must have been like oh, she must be hungry. and so-- i'm korean, i'm korean >> stephen: speaking of which. >> sorry >> stephen: let's talk about political correctness first. >> yeah >> stephen: that is, a joke
that i couldn't make. >> no >> stephen: i couldn't. >> and i am delighted because it's like i'm so happy to make the racist jokes cuz i can i grew up in the era where it was all asian driver jokes, so i would come on stage and say my name is margaret cho and i drive very well and people would be taken aback because realized, oh, i didn't realize i was racist this whole time. >> stephen: the audience didn't realize that they were racist. >> but now it's just more like we're hearing different kinds of voices >> stephen: do you think that it might just be better if everybody just started with the base line of i'm going to assume i'm racist when i'm talking about a race that isn't mine because i don't know what that experience is like. and i have preis up sitions about what it is like to be someone of another race or behavior of another race, if i think of a person as part of a race and not as an individual. >> yeah >> stephen: so if i just start off with hi-- hi, stephen colbert, probably a racist, how are you?
>> is that a good way to start a conversation. >> i think that's good. but you shouldn't have to worry about it too much. i think what is really annoying is that nobody really cared about race until white people got involved. and now all we do is talk about race. it is just white people, all the white fragility is so shall-- you have to walk on egg shells around white people. it was so much easier >> stephen: oh, white people walk on egg shells, that is so racist, why, because we are white and eggs are white. you've got a problem. >> maybe i'm the racist. >> i'm just saying it was so much easier before when we just had to walk on their back. >> stephen: thank you. thank you. i-- you know what, i accept your apology. well, i know you're going to do a song for us tonight. >> i am, i'm excited >> stephen: please, stick around. the tour is called psycho, other words but really just remember psycho. catch her next week in new york and los angeles.
performance by margaret cho. >> stephen: now here with a song from her album cho dedepend ent. >> you went on vacation to an impoverished nation you laid your head to rest and it became some kind of conquest and ya need to get a clue and then you need to get shampoo 'cause i think ya have a case of head lice if they call your scalp their home you should buy a fine tooth comb you could even shave your head
just think of them as friends who were eatin' your split ends 'cause i think ya have a case of head lice if something's moving on your bed then it's moving to your head they will live in all your garments treat your ears like apartments you can take a shower think they're dead for like an hour but they will come back to life lay your mattress in the sun even though it's not real fun ya have to throw away your hats everything that was in direct contact with your hair, your face all the bugs'll be erased because all ya had was
i know it isn't nice i'll give you my advise ain't gonna tell ya twice put your head on ice put your head on ice okay i said it twice 'cause, all ya had was a case of head lice that's all it was all you had was a case of headlice. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: margaret cho. the album is cho depend ent. we'll be right back.self. dad: no? culligan man: no. anncr: leave it to the experts. with a culligan whole-house water softening system, you get better water, and service you can actually count on.